Monday

Today is Monday, and I don't have a sub job today. I really haven't done much today. I took a shower, made breakfast, checked Facebook, and laughed with my roommate small michelle about cool and crazy photography sites. Later I will tutor a 5th grader in math, hurry home to change, and go play Frisbee at the park for a few hours. I hope my Intramural Frisbee team plays well without me this afternoon; I have to miss it because I will be tutoring. I think I'll also go on a walk and read a book. I'm reading Reading Lolita in Tehran by Azar Nafisi right now. It is a very interesting book about the importance of fiction, life in Iran, and personal freedom.

I was debating about writing a post today because this would be my fourth post in November so far, and it is only the 9th day of the month. However, who says I can't write a ton of posts in one month?

Anyway, I have been thinking about a few things that happened yesterday.

Pastor Todd Smith at Crossroads was preaching on Ephesians 2:11-16. The phrase "He Himself is our peace" is found in those verses.

Jesus is my peace. Nothing else. Not more sub jobs. Not more tutoring hours. Not a full-time job. Not answers about my future. Not Amos. Not more money in my bank account. Not time at home with my family. Not having my loans paid off. Not more friends. Not being able to pay for all my bills. Nothing. None of that. Only Jesus is my peace. I have to remember that nothing else will satisfy, no one else will suffice.

Dr. Halstead led the Young Adults Ministry meeting last night. I think the series is called Acceptable Sins or Permissible Sins or something like that. Last night the topic was discontentment, which was fitting considering my current circumstances and attitudes. I was rather frustrated at first because many people said they were discontent with how much they read the Bible or how much they desired God. Or they were generally discontent with their present situation. Everyone else's responses were very vague and seemingly fake. Were Melyndee, Heather, Jenna, and I the only ones that struggled with real, tangible, practical discontentment? I was annoyed. However, I was very glad that I went because I had a realization that is probably rather obvious to many of you out there. It was that I couldn't just think "I need to love God, I need to read my Bible, I need to pray." Instead, I needed to be praying, "Make me want to love You more, make me want to give You glory, make me want to pray to You." Do I need to do those things? Yes, definitely. But I will never do them or at least I will not do them with the proper attitude if it is not my desire to do them.

This was a total shift in perspective. I have to want to do these things, and it is going to take more than sheer will power. I don't know what it will look like exactly. I don't want to be one of those people who is "so heavenly minded [she is] of no earthly good." However, I am reminded of the fact that if this is God's will for me to have a desire to live for Him, then He will be faithful to help me.

I never thought I'd be here. I had a plan. I was going to graduate from Master's, I was going to get my credential, I was going to get a job, and I was going to have no problems doing any of that.

I hate waiting, but I know that God will work this out somehow. I know what I want in the future, but I am realizing that I need to pray not that God's plans will maybe align with mine, but that I will want to follow His plans. That is hard. It is hard when I don't know what God's plans are. I want to know what they are so that I will know that I will be safe, that I won't end up with a broken heart, that I won't be in trouble, that it will be easy. But it doesn't work that way.

I guess the best thing right now is to pray that God will give me a desire to do what He wants to me to do, to remember that He alone is my peace, and to remember Ebenezer: thus far the LORD has helped me.